[KyOSS Discuss] Know your system administrator: a field guide

Barton Chittenden bartonski at gmail.com
Thu May 10 21:58:50 EDT 2012


Candygram!

On Thu, May 10, 2012 at 1:46 PM, Pat McCarthy <pmccarthy at humana.com> wrote:

>  A bored admin is a very dangerous person... ®****
>
> ** **
>
> *Patrick McCarthy*
>
> * *
>
> *T** *502.476.9878****
>
> *C* 502.939.1756****
>
> pmccarthy at humana.com****
>
> ** **
>
> *From:* kyoss-discuss-bounces at kyoss.org [mailto:
> kyoss-discuss-bounces at kyoss.org] *On Behalf Of *Barton Chittenden
> *Sent:* Thursday, May 10, 2012 1:24 PM
> *To:* The Kentucky Open Source Society Discussion List
> *Subject:* Re: [KyOSS Discuss] Know your system administrator: a field
> guide****
>
> ** **
>
> Ah, there it is...
>
> http://www.theregister.co.uk/2002/06/02/the_bastard_range_of_wearable/****
>
> On Thu, May 10, 2012 at 1:09 PM, Barton Chittenden <bartonski at gmail.com>
> wrote:****
>
> There was a BOFH where the boss asks about wearable computers (probably
> 2003 or 2004) which left me in stitches. I'll see if I can't dig it up.***
> *
>
> On May 10, 2012 9:57 AM, "Pat McCarthy" <pmccarthy at humana.com> wrote:****
>
> I feel more of a kinship with BofH…..****
>
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bastard_Operator_From_Hell****
>
>  ****
>
> *Patrick McCarthy*****
>
> * *****
>
> *T** *502.476.9878****
>
> *C* 502.939.1756****
>
> pmccarthy at humana.com****
>
>  ****
>
> *From:* kyoss-discuss-bounces at kyoss.org [mailto:
> kyoss-discuss-bounces at kyoss.org] *On Behalf Of *alan blount
> *Sent:* Thursday, May 10, 2012 9:42 AM
> *To:* The Kentucky Open Source Society Discussion List
> *Subject:* Re: [KyOSS Discuss] Know your system administrator: a field
> guide****
>
>  ****
>
> I'm a thug, I suppose... but just barely... not quite invested enough to
> claim it though... maybe a part-time-thug.****
>
> On Thu, May 10, 2012 at 9:28 AM, Jeff Squyres <jeff at squyres.com> wrote:***
> *
>
> "Poor network response / Maniac: Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable
> from wall and waits for connections to time out."****
>
>  ****
>
> That will keep me laughing for days. :-)****
>
>  ****
>
> On Thu, May 10, 2012 at 9:21 AM, Barton Chittenden <bartonski at gmail.com>
> wrote:****
>
> I thought that the idiot's use of compress for all ills was pretty
> hilarious. I don't know if that makes me an idiot or not.****
>
> On Thu, May 10, 2012 at 9:10 AM, Jeff Squyres <jeff at squyres.com> wrote:***
> *
>
>  BTW -- spot poll: which type of sys admin do you associate with the
> most?  (i.e., which type did you laugh at the hardest?)****
>
>  ****
>
> I'm apparently a Maniac.  :-)****
>
>  ****
>
> On Thu, May 10, 2012 at 6:30 AM, Jeff Squyres <jeff at squyres.com> wrote:***
> *
>
> Per some discussion last night, here's one of my favorite old usenet
> posts...****
>
>  ****
>
> ------------****
>
>  ****
>
> KNOW YOUR UNIX SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR-- A FIELD GUIDE****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> There are four major species of Unix sysad:****
>
>  ****
>
> 1) The TECHNICAL THUG.  Usually a systems programmer who has been****
>
> forced into system administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of the****
>
> Bourne shell, sed, C, awk, perl, and APL.****
>
>  ****
>
> 2) The ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST.  Usually a retentive drone (or rarely,****
>
> a harridan ex-secretary) who has been forced into system****
>
> administration.****
>
>  ****
>
> 3) The MANIAC.  Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither****
>
> the Mossad nor Cuba are willing to pay a living wage for computer****
>
> espionage.  Fell into system administration; occasionally approaches****
>
> major competitors with indesp schemes.****
>
>  ****
>
> 4) The IDIOT.  Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old COBOL programmer****
>
> selected to be the system administrator by a committee of cretins,****
>
> morphodites, and old COBOL programmers.****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR: ****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- SITUATION: Low disk space. ----------------****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk****
>
> usage, maintain a database of historic disk usage, predict future disk****
>
> usage via least squares regression analysis, identify users who are****
>
> more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to the****
>
> offending parties.  Places script in cron.  Disk usage does not****
>
> change, since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore script-generated****
>
> mail, or file it away in triplicate.****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts disk usage policy in motd.  Uses****
>
> disk quotas.  Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work.****
>
> Locks accounts that go over quota.  ****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC:****
>
> # cd /home****
>
> # rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`; ****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT:****
>
> # cd /home****
>
> # cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n", $2}'` |
> compress****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- SITUATION: Excessive CPU usage. ----------------****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor****
>
> processes, maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes more****
>
> than a standard deviation over the norm, and renice offending****
>
> processes.  Places script in cron.  Ends up renicing the production****
>
> database into oblivion, bringing operations to a grinding halt, much****
>
> to the delight of the xtrek freaks.****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy in motd.  Uses****
>
> CPU quotas.  Locks accounts that go over quota.  Allows no exceptions,****
>
> thus crippling development work, much to the delight of the xtrek****
>
> freaks.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC:****
>
> # kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9  | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT:****
>
> # compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9  | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`*
> ***
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- SITUATION: New account creation. ----------------****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Writes perl script that creates home****
>
> directory, copies in incomprehensible default environment, and places****
>
> entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and /etc/group.  (By hand, NOT****
>
> with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to****
>
> handle new accounts.  Usually, said secretary is still dithering over****
>
> the difference between 'enter' and 'return'; and so, no new accounts****
>
> are ever created.****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy in motd.****
>
> Since people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever****
>
> fulfills the bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are****
>
> ever created.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own****
>
> account, I don't want you on the system.  We've got too many goddamn****
>
> sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box anyway."****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT: ****
>
> # cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"****
>
> # echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- SITUATION: Root disk fails. ----------------****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Repairs drive.  Usually is able to repair****
>
> filesystem from boot monitor.  Failing that, front-panel toggles****
>
> microkernel in and starts script on neighboring machine to load binary****
>
> boot code into broken machine, reformat and reinstall OS.  Lets it run****
>
> over the weekend while he goes mountain climbing.  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Begins investigation to determine who****
>
> broke the drive.  Refuses to fix system until culprit is identified****
>
> and charged for the equipment.  ****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC, LARGE SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses****
>
> sledgehammer to smash same to flinders.  Calls manufacturer, threatens****
>
> pets.  Abuses field engineer while they put in a new drive and****
>
> reinstall the OS.****
>
> MANIAC, SMALL SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses ball-peen****
>
> hammer to smash same to flinders.  Calls Requisitions, threatens pets.****
>
> Abuses bystanders while putting in new drive and reinstalling OS.****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT: Doesn't notice anything wrong.****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- SITUATION: Poor network response. ----------------****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Writes scripts to monitor network, then****
>
> rewires entire machine room, improving response time by 2%.  Shrugs****
>
> shoulders, says, "I've done all I can do," and goes mountain climbing.****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts network usage policy in motd.****
>
> Calls up Berkeley and AT&T, badgers whoever answers for network****
>
> quotas.  Tries to get xtrek freaks fired.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC: Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable from wall and****
>
> waits for connections to time out.****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT:****
>
> # compress -f /dev/en0****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- SITUATION: User questions. ----------------****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Hacks the code of emacs' doctor-mode to answer****
>
> new users questions.  Doesn't bother to tell people how to start the****
>
> new "guru-mode", or for that matter, emacs.****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts user support policy in motd.****
>
> Maintains queue of questions.  Answers them when he gets a chance,****
>
> often within two weeks of receipt of the proper form.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC: Screams at users until they go away.  Sometimes****
>
> barters knowledge for powerful drink and/or sycophantic adulation.****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge until****
>
> the user realizes few UNIX systems support punched cards or JCL.****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- SITUATION: *Stupid* user questions. ----------------****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Answers question in hex, binary, postfix,****
>
> and/or French until user gives up and goes away.****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Locks user's account until user can****
>
> present documentation demonstrating their qualification to use the****
>
> machine.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC:****
>
> # cat >> ~luser/.cshrc****
>
> alias vi 'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f ~/.z
> ~/.cshrc'****
>
> ^D****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge.****
>
> Recruits user to system administration team.****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- SITUATION: Process accounting management. ----------------
> ****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Ignores packaged accounting software; trusts****
>
> scripts to sniff out any problems & compute charges.****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Devotes 75% of disk space to****
>
> accounting records owned by root and chmod'ed 000.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC:  Laughs fool head off at very mention of accounting.****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT:****
>
> # lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- SITUATION: Religious war, BSD vs. System V.
> ----------------****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG:  BSD.  Crippled on System V boxes.****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: System V.  Horrified by the people who****
>
> use BSD.  Places frequent calls to DEA.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC: Prefers BSD, but doesn't care as long as HIS processes****
>
> run quickly.****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT:****
>
> # cd c:****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- SITUATION: Religious war, System V vs. AIX
> ----------------****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG:  Weeps.****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: AIX-- doesn't much care for the OS,****
>
> but loves the jackboots.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC: System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well****
>
> how much Big Financial Institutions love IBM...****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT:  AIX.****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- SITUATION: Balky printer daemons. ----------------****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites lpd in FORTH.****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts printer use policy in motd.****
>
> Calls customer support every time the printer freezes.  Tries to get****
>
> user who submitted the most recent job fired.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC: Writes script that kills all the daemons, clears all****
>
> the print queues, and maybe restarts the daemons.  Runs it once a hour****
>
> from cron.****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT:****
>
> # kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- SITUATION: OS upgrade. ----------------****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Reads source code of new release, takes only****
>
> what he likes.  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Instigates lawsuit against the vendor****
>
> for having shipped a product with bugs in it in the first place.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC:  ****
>
> # uptime****
>
> 1:33pm  up 19 days, 22:49,  167 users,  load average: 6.49, 6.45, 6.31****
>
> # wall****
>
> Well, it's upgrade time.  Should take a few hours.  And good luck on that*
> ***
>
> 5:00 deadline, guys!  We're all pulling for you!****
>
> ^D****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT:****
>
> # dd if=/dev/rmt8 of=/vmunix****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- SITUATION: Balky mail. ----------------****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites sendmail.cf from scratch.  Rewrites****
>
> sendmail in SNOBOL.  Hacks kernel to implement file locking.  Hacks****
>
> kernel to implement "better" semaphores.  Rewrites sendmail in****
>
> assembly.  Hacks kernel to . . .****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts mail use policy in motd.  Locks****
>
> accounts that go over mail use quota.  Keeps quota low enough that****
>
> people go back to interoffice mail, thus solving problem.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC:****
>
> # kill -9 `ps -augxww | grep sendmail | awk '{print $2}'`****
>
> # rm -f /usr/spool/mail/*****
>
> # wall****
>
> Mail is down.  Please use interoffice mail until we have it back up.****
>
> ^D****
>
> # write max****
>
> I've got my boots and backpack.  Ready to leave for Mount Tam?****
>
> ^D****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT:****
>
> # echo "HELP!" | mail tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF!!!***
> *
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- SITUATION: Users want phone list application.
> ----------------****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Writes RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk.  Users****
>
> give up and go back to post-it notes.****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Oracle.  Users give up and go back to****
>
> post-it notes.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC: Tells the users to use flat files and grep, the way****
>
> God meant man to keep track of phone numbers.  Users give up and go****
>
> back to post-it notes.****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT:****
>
> % dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7 | grep "Fred"****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@***
> *
>
>  ****
>
> OTHER GUIDELINES:****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- TYPICAL ROOT .cshrc FILE: ---------------- ****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Longer than eight kilobytes.  Sources the****
>
> output of a perl script, rewrites itself.****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:  Typical lines include:****
>
> umask 777****
>
> alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek >& /dev/null
> &'****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC:  Typical lines include:****
>
> alias rm 'rm -rf \!*'****
>
> alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww | grep \!* | awk \'{print $2}\'`'****
>
> alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*'****
>
> alias renice 'echo Renice\?  You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT:  Typical lines include:****
>
> alias dir ls****
>
> alias era rm****
>
> alias kitty cat****
>
> alias process_table ps****
>
> setenv DISPLAY vt100****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- HOBBIES, TECHNICAL: ---------------- ****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Writes entries for Obsfuscated C contest.****
>
> Optimizes INTERCAL scripts.  Maintains ENIAC emulator.  Virtual****
>
> reality .****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bugs office. Audits card-key logs.****
>
> Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations.****
>
> Listens to police band.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC: Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office.****
>
> Edits card-key logs.  Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone****
>
> conversations.  Jams police band.****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT: Ties shoes.  Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numeral****
>
> converter.  Rereads flowcharts from his salad days at Rand.****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL: ---------------- ****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Drinks "Smart Drinks."  Attends raves. Hangs****
>
> out at poetry readings and Whole Earth Review events and tries to pick****
>
> up Birkenstock MOTAS.****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Reads _Readers Digest_ and _Mein****
>
> Kampf_.  Sometimes turns up car radio and sings along to John Denver.****
>
> Golfs.  Drinks gin martinis.  Hangs out in yuppie bars and tries to****
>
> pick up dominatrixes.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC: Reads _Utne Reader_ and _Mein Kampf_.  Faithfully****
>
> attends Dickies and Ramones concerts.  Punches out people who say****
>
> "virtual reality."  Drinks damn near anything, but favors Wild Turkey,****
>
> Black Bush, and grain alcohol.  Hangs out in neighborhood bars and****
>
> tries to pick up MOTAS by drinking longshoremen under the table .****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT: Reads _Time_ and _Newsweek_-- and *believes* them.****
>
> Drinks Jagermeister.  Tries to pick up close blood relations-- often****
>
> succeeds, producting next generation of idiots.****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- 1992 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: ---------------- ****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Clinton, but only because he liked Gore's****
>
> book.****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bush. Possibly Clinton, but only****
>
> because he liked Tipper.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC: Frank Zappa.****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT: Perot.****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> ---------------- 1996 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: ---------------- ****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL THUG: Richard Stallman - Larry Wall.****
>
>  ****
>
> ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Nixon - Buchanan.****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIAC: Frank Zappa.****
>
>  ****
>
> IDIOT: Quayle.****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@***
> *
>
>  ****
>
> COMPOUND SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS:****
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL FASCIST: Hacks kernel & writes a horde of scripts to****
>
> prevent folk from ever using more than their fair share of system****
>
> resources.  Resulting overhead and load brings system to its knees.****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL MANIAC: Writes scripts that SEEM to be monitoring****
>
> the system, but are actually encrypting large lists of passwords.****
>
> Uses nearby nodes as beta test sites for worms.****
>
>  ****
>
> TECHNICAL IDIOT: Writes superuser-run scripts that sooner or****
>
> later do an "rm -rf /".****
>
>  ****
>
> FASCISTIC MANIAC: At first hint of cracker incursions, whether****
>
> real or imagined, shuts down system by triggering water-on-the-brain****
>
> detectors and Halon system.****
>
>  ****
>
> FASCISTIC IDIOT:  ****
>
> # cp /dev/null /etc/passwd****
>
>  ****
>
> MANIACAL IDIOT:  Napalms the CPU.****
>
>     -Stephan Zielinski****
>
>  ****
>
> --****
>
> Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to
> funny at clarinet.com****
>
> Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
> ****
>
>  ****
>
> --****
>
> Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to
> funny at clarinet.com****
>
> Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
> ****
>
>  ****
>
> Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical at clarinet.com***
> *
>
> (ie. jokes which won't be funny if not given immediate attention.)****
>
> Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request at clarinet.com*
> ***
>
>  ****
>
>  ****
>
> --
> {+} Jeff Squyres****
>
>
>
> ****
>
>  ****
>
> --
> {+} Jeff Squyres****
>
>  ****
>
> _______________________________________________
> KyOSS-Discuss mailing list
> KyOSS-Discuss at kyoss.org
> http://kyoss.org/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/kyoss-discuss****
>
>
>
> ****
>
>  ****
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-- 
There's a reason they call two-seater canoes "divorce boats".
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